SPPUD 2 – The Sequel

We are eavesdropping on yet another meeting of SPPUD…

“I now call the quarterly meeting Spouses of Political Philandering Utter Dumbasses (SPPUD) to order.  I’m pleased to announce and introduce the latest member of our club, Elizabeth Edwards. Every four months we get together to commiserate the fact that our spouses egos lead directly to problems with their dicks – namely they can’t keep it in their pants.”

{loud laughter and catcalls}

“Ever since my husband’s behavior with that thong wearing, beret topped, buys her dress at the GAP, willing-to-be-satisfied-with-a- cigar bitch became public, I formed this club. You are my closest friends, the ones who understand the humiliation, the embarrassment, the absolute shame we feel standing next to these jackasses. Oh, and let me tell you something – I would never be satisfied with a cigar – I want the whole cucumber!!!  But of course, with Bill, I settled for a cigarette.

So many of us continue to stand next to these putzes for reasons most people can’t comprehend. Not all of us have the balls of Dina Matos, taking her “ministerial” ex to Court, for every buck possible. Of course, she had a child with a man who publicly announced he’s a ‘gay American’ while she was stood at his side, smiling like he was announcing they won the lottery.

By the way, I suspect someday soon, Maria Shriver will be attending our meetings, as I keep hearing that the Gubenator can’t keep it in his pants.  Of course, being from the Kennedy clan, she’s probably used to that.

But here, amongst other woman who have stood the stand of shame, we can stand together and proudly say, It’s Not Me.  It’s Him.”

{Loud Round of applause}

“We have our usual crowd tonight, starting with our newer member Silda Spitzer. Her husband, former NY governor and serial prostitute user, Elliot Spitzer, is now working for his dad. Silda gave up her career as a high profile lawyer to be mom and pretty sidepiece as her hubby ran for office. And Elliot totally shafted her as she stood at his side, admitting to paying to import a whore from NY to DC.”

“Ladies, it is only here that I can be at ease. I still have nightmares about that press conference where Elliot told the world he was paying to have unprotected sex. I don’t know why I didn’t shout into the microphone – ‘you stupid fucking bastard. You dumb, arrogant shit. How dare you?!!!’ But I didn’t. But I can assure you, he’s having protected sex now. With his own hand, because he’s not getting anywhere near me ever again. And let me tell you, remember that $4,300 he paid the whore for two hours of sex? Well, to stay at his side – fully dressed, I might add, I’m getting more than that these days. Guess what else? I’ve got a book deal in the works, and the world will soon learn about his real sexual issues. Did you know he liked me to wave an American Flag over his dick and have me call him Mr. President in bed?”

{laughter and applause}

[Hillary takes microphone again]

“Suzanne Craig, spouse of the Senator with the widest bathroom stance ever, Larry Craig”

{Suzanne waves, and spreads her legs wide to much laughter from the crowd}

“Donna Hanover, the former spouse of former mayor and former presidential candidate Rudy Guiliani.”

[Donna grabs microphone]

“Wasn’t that a great primary season – oh, except for you Hil, sorry my friend. But boy did Rudy get his ass kicked black and blue! Serves the philandering bastard right. Even better, his own kids didn’t vote for him! I feel like a new woman, like the woman I was before I met that limp dicked loser. It really is true. It’s him. Not us.”

[Hillary forcefully reclaims microphone]

“Our good friend Dina Matos, formerly McGreevey couldn’t be with us tonight, as she’s sitting by her phone, waiting for the decision about how much money she’ll be getting from her soon to be ex husband, the fruitcake, jailbird, pretending to be a studying to be a poverty stricken minister to avoid paying her what she’s owed for putting up with his shenanigans. But she sent us a photo, and doesn’t she look a lot happier these days?”

{applause, and someone shouts, “we miss you Dina – take him for every penny!”}

“And now, I’d like to introduce the latest member of our little club – the little club that keeps on growing. This classy lady deserved a helluva lot better from her husband, former Presidential candidate John Edwards. Liz here did so much for the man – took massive doses of hormones so they could have more kids at a late age, campaigned at his side while treating for cancer, got him enough press and good will to beat me in the Iowa Caucuses – thanks again Liz {laughing}. And how does he pay her back? With a mistress and a possible love child! It is with dubious pleasure that I introduce Elizabeth Edwards.”

{loud applause}

“Hi ladies. It is with a bit of sadness that I join your club. I never, ever thought I’d be here. I always thought I’d be dead before I stood at the side of my man in one of those ‘oops, my dick accidentally landed in another woman moments.’ And yet, here I am. Just another member of the club.

You all know its been a tough couple of years for John & me. Between the twins, the chad election, the cancer, and the primaries, things in our world have been emotional and hectic. But he swore to me that he would never do anything to publically embarrass me. I guess I should know better than to take a politician on his word. You know, I could almost handle the whole mistress thing if he’d been up front with me.

I’m a reasonably pragmatic woman, I know with all the cancer treatments and dealing with our children and death, I haven’t always been the easiest woman to be around. We had a deal. Nothing to jeopardize the dream. But like so many high powered men, that wasn’t good enough. Not when there are plenty of women and men willing to do the nasty in whatever way they fantasize. So here I stand. And you know what? It’s him. Not me.

Unlike Dina and Silda, I’m not going to write a tell-all book. I’m not looking for money or revenge. I’ve got better things to do with what’s left of my time. I’m going to stand tall and apart from my husband. I’m going to make sure he’s so full of guilt that he’ll never be able to get an erection for the rest of his natural life. And then, with a little luck, I’ll make sure he won’t be able to sustain one in the afterlife!”

{wild applause, standing ovation}

{Hillary retakes microphone}

“I love your style, Liz. You can throw in some guilt for me too, after all, if it weren’t for your cheatin’ man, I’d be winning the White House this year. Instead, I’m stuck waiting for Michelle to join our little club.”

{waits for applause to die down}

“Ladies, enjoy the evening and let’s hope that we don’t get too many more members, we’re running out of room here!”

And so concludes our glimpse into last night’s SPPUD meeting.

By:  Lauren J. Walter  August 13, 2008

SPPUD – Spouses of Political Philandering Utter Dumbasses

We are eavesdropping on a meeting of SPPUD…

“I now call the quarterly meeting Spouses of Political Philandering Utter Dumbasses (SPPUD) to order.  I’d like to welcome our newest member, Silda Spitzer.  As you know, we meet every four months to share.  We all have similar issues – political husbands – or former husbands – you go Dina & Donna – unable to keep their dick in their pants.  I formed this club back in the day when my idiot husband was dumb enough to do that beret wearing tramp and leave his spunk as evidence.  It is only with all of you, who have suffered similar humiliations, that I can stand up and proudly say, It’s Not Me.  It’s Him.”

 

{Loud Round of applause}

 

“We have a collection of various levels of shame here.  My good friend, Dina Matos – formerly the spouse of jailbird cheater and now homosexual orator, Jim McGreevey stood by her man as he told the world that he preferred the Hershey highway to sex with her. 

 

 

“Here we have Donna Hanover, who during a press conference, learned that her husband, America’s Mater, Rudy Guiliani, was leaving her and their children to go with another woman.” 

 

 

Hanover interrupts “Please, the bastard couldn’t get an erection with the help of porn and a crane.  Judith Nathan got what she deserves – limp noodle pretending to be a big man.”

 

“And of course, we have Suzanne Thompson Craig, who learned of her husband’s predilection for men’s room sex from a police blotter.”

 

 

Craig interjects “He was so picking up men – I’ve seen his sitting stance, and his feet are always right next to each other.  That Bastard.”

 

“Yes of course Suzanne, we know.  It’s him.  Not you.”

 

{turns to Silda}

 

“Silda, here you are amongst friends.  We all know what it is like to be told by political handler that you need to stand by your lying, cheating, arrogant, dirty husband and force a smile for the cameras.  And we’re here to tell you, It’s him.  Not you.”

 

 

{Silda takes the microphone}

 

“Hillary, thank you for the kind words of support.  I know you can relate.  But at least your husband was getting it for free.  My dirtbag paid that whore $4,300 for two hours of time.  I figure after what, 18 years of marriage, using that calculation, he owes me close to 19 million dollars a year, for a grand total of $342 million dollars.”

 

{Loud applause from gathered guests}

“As I stood next to that philandering, self righteous piece of shit, I pledged to myself that I would not just get back, I would get even.  I plan on taking every last dollar he makes, write a book detailing his inability to sustain an erection without Hail to the Chief being sung, and publishing the photo of him in the maid’s outfit and fishnet stockings on the internet.”

 

{wild applause, standing ovation}

 

{Hillary retakes microphone}

 

“That’s the way to do it girlfriend.  You are now an official part of the club.  I’m getting even by running for President – I can’t wait for Bill to have to knock on that Oval Office door while I’m getting busy with some hot stud who wants to get down and dirty on the presidential seal. And let me tell you, he’s going to be this big and know how to use it!”

 

 

{waits for applause to die down}

 

“Ladies, it’s our turn.  We need to stop standing next to our men as they humiliate us, pretending to still love those lying cheating bastards.  We need to say to the camera and to the scum squad – It’s not me.  It’s you.  Deal with it on your own, you overconfident, cocky egoist.  I’m tired of having to welcome new members to our elite cadre.”

 

And so concludes our glimpse into last night’s SPPUD meeting.

By:  Lauren J. Walter  3/11/08