November was a stressful month, nowhere near enough paid work for me to pay my bills. Not a good thing. I tried to fight my stress by writing, deciding to do a version of NaNoWriMo, working on an idea that excited me. I wrote just about 12,000 words and then froze. That’s never happened to me before, where my fears stopped me from writing. Every word I’d written felt forced. I no longer feel qualified to be writing. All my self-doubt and feelings of inadequacy from my inability to get anything published hit me smack dab in the forehead and I don’t know how to fight it. It’s been two weeks since I wrote a single creative thing. I’ve written some articles for my mediation website, some stuff for Examiner, but nothing creative.
Ironically, while I’ve been full of writing doubt, I had a short story published at http://www.1127zine.com/. The editor said the “hatred and unpleasantness is so palpable.” An interesting comment, as to me, the fictional piece is just dark humor. And the editor is someone I’ve known for years, so I don’t feel like the piece was accepted solely on its merits.
I wish I knew how to shake this. I think it’s the thing about trying to get published that is most debilitating. I understand how the game works, but this time it’s under my skin and I can’t excise it. My confidence is gone. I hope it returns soon.